Baggage from childhood – we all have those, right? Every new mum wonders about whether her own childhood can influence how she raises her own children. Many questions must be going through your head. Like what do I carry from my childhood? How does it influence me raising my own kids? Does it affect me as a mum? And how can my baggage affect my parenting awareness? We got all the answers you need.
Should I raise my kids just as I was raised?
This is one of the biggest questions mums-to-be ask themselves. Should I follow the steps of my parents in raising my kids? Many parenting experts always say that parents should not raise their kids the same way they were. There are many reasons for them believing so. Every generation responds differently to all sorts of parenting styles and tools. In short words, no matter how hard we try. We cannot raise our kids exactly the same as our parents raised us.
This is due to many reasons. There are many big differences in our children’s times that we didn’t have. Such as the surrounding environments, technology, globalization, social relations, and teaching methods.
As modern mums, the best thing we can do is not to imitate our parents so much. We need to build our own personalities as mums, and create our own path at raising our children. You can always create your own parenting style by updating your parent’s style.
Your childhood is different from your kids’ childhood.
In the old days, most parents took an approach where their children would just do as they say. No discussion, no questions asked. However, nowadays, we need to have a prolonged conversation to talk our kids into doing something.
We like to call it “hidden directions”. Where you indirectly point your kids towards what they need to do. We do so by persuasion, reinforcement, and sometimes, grounding if need be.
However, some mums abuse such an approach and take advantage of it. They use it to control their kids and impose their own opinions and thoughts. Keep in mind, modern parenting is about parents and kids walking together side by side. Not one leading the other.
Furthermore, keep in mind that there are many factors that make us need to update our own parent’s parenting style. Such as:
- – Technology.
- – Freedom. Especially in expressing oneself.
- – Ideology and beliefs.
How to avoid this influence?
We agree that the influence of your childhood might exist. And it might affect your parenting style. So the big question is: how to avoid this influence?
1| By living in the moment.
Stop over reading into your kids behavior. Not every outburst or tantrum means there is something wrong with your kid. Understand the situation, and act calmly and fairly.
2| “Your children are not your children. They are sons and daughters of Life:
Kahlil Gibran once wrote this, and it became one of the best parenting tips ever. It means that our children come through us to lead their own stories. Not finish ours. Support your kids, provide them with all you need. Love them unconditionally. But make sure not to cancel your life just to be a good mum. It does not work this way.
Parenting can be hard, and we understand that.
As we said, these are different times than the ones we used to live in as children. And that has both positive and negative meanings. There are many things these days that might make parenting harder. And we all agree on that. What makes this worth addressing is that it can actually influence our parenting style.
– Fear
Our fears are built by past experiences. And some mums drag those fears to their parenting styles. For example, some mums connect their child’s behaviour to someone from their childhood. And they are consumed by the idea that their kids might turn out to be like that individual. On the other hand, some mums are afraid that their kids might experience something unpleasant that she herself experienced as a child. Those fears can influence your parenting style. And it all can happen subconsciously.
As modern mums, we need to get over those fears. Because if we lose control over ourselves, things can get ugly. We can turn into unaware and overprotective people. Or we can lose sense of how to handle situations calmly and smartly. And that affects our kids poorly.
– Expectations
When you have a baby, you start dreaming of their lives, achievements, and success in everything. Some mums want their kids to be unbelievably beautiful. Others want their kids to be straight A students. While other mums dream of their kids excelling in playing a musical instrument. Those dreams are beautiful, but we should not turn them into expectations.
As mums, we need to provide the best of the best for our kids. But if your child had no musical interests. Or was into arts rather than since, you should not feel disappointed. We should support their choices, help them towards achieving their own dreams for themselves. We can always talk to them and discuss all the options they have. But eventually, we need to be supportive and proud of them rather than disappointed or scared for them.
– Passing judgements
Passing judgements over kids is one of the biggest parenting mistakes there is. And there are many reasons why mums do so. Sometimes it’s because of their high and unrealistic expectations. Others are because they over read about ADHD for example, and they over analyse their own kids to fit them into this particular mold. This is not just a parenting mistake, but it also sits between you and your parenting awareness and style.
– Pride
Experts say that some mums perceive their kids as their “ego”. Which makes them use their kids to achieve their own dreams. They do so because they wholeheartedly believe that their kids’ success is their own. On the other hand, some mums over push their kids to hide some of their own insecurities. And that is the recipe for a disappointed control freak parent. Which we all want to avoid.
We shouldn’t push our kids into sports, arts, or academics just to please ourselves. As we said before, we need to support them and be proud of them in whatever path they choose.
Those things can be passed on
Fear, unrealistic expectations, judging our kids harshly, and using them as our own egos. These are all things that might be passed down from our parents from our childhood. They can also be passed down to our kids. So, as modern mums, we need to end the cycle and start a new one. A cycle that is based on support, unconditional love, and being proud of them no matter what.
